So, I love learning about people and I really like it when people have about me sections that have more than just a few basic facts in them. So I figured, maybe I should make a proper about me page, now that I really feel like I’ve settled into tumblr. Not because I’m full of myself and think I’m tumblr-famous and therfore should have one. Just in case there’s other people out there who like to know things about people.

So, start with the basics, I guess? I’m eighteen, Irish, female, gay, with dark brown hair and the kind of eyes that seem to change colour a lot. They’re mostly brown/green but sometimes you can spot the odd bit of grey and blue in there. I have Aspergers, and probably ADHD as well, but I don’t know if I ever got an official diagnosis of that. I was evaluated but when I asked them about the results they kept dodging the question. All they would say was something about having a significant difficulty in that area.

I have a tendency to get obsessed with things. When I like something, I really love it. Sometimes the obsessions die down after a couple of months, sometimes they last much longer. I’ve had many short-term obsessions some of which are a bit embarassing. The two obsessions that have lasted the longest are Harry Potter and Glee. And The Sims probably, as well.

I discovered Harry Potter when I was eight and my interest in it grew steadily, reaching a peak about 3 years ago. I still adore it, but I’m calmer about it now, which is nice. I guess I sorta ran out of time to feed the obsession when I started playing the sims 2. The sims took over the role of main obsession and stayed there for about 3 years before it was replaced by Glee.

I discovered Glee around Jan/Feb 2010, a few months before the back 9 started airing. I watched the first 13 episodes online in four days (damn megavideo viewing limits slowed me down) and pretty much instantly fell in love. I discovered GleeForum while trying to find download links for the episodes and over time managed to find a sort of home/safe place there and even made some friends (which is kinda a big deal for me).

Getting involved in the Glee fandom changed some things about me. For one thing, before glee I’d only read a few harry potter fanfics (and by a few, I mean less than ten). And I could not understand non-canon shipping. Now I devour insane amounts of fanfic and can see at least some appeal in nearly any glee ship. And, thanks to glee, I’ve become rather addicted to fanvids.

Through this fandom, I discovered many new things, one of which was broadway (I now have five different OBCRs on my iPod. Before Glee I don’t think I’d ever even heard of any of them). But the most important thing was the way I was exposed to everything and anything LGBT. While watching glee fanvids I discovered Spashley and Naomily. I discovered Imagine Me and You. Through Brittana, I found AfterEllen. I read countless people’s coming out stories. Eventually I realised that there was a reason that I felt such a strong connection to all these stories. The reason being that I was gay. It took a few months of figuring out, but I got there in the end.

As a person, I’m full of contradictions. I love talking to people but it truly exhausts me. I find it very difficult to maintain friendships because I forget to keep in contact with people. Not because I don’t care (I actually care about people too much, even ones I’ve never met) but because there’s always so much going on in my head, any thoughts of keeping in contact with my friends disappear almost as soon as I think them. I always feel very guilty about forgetting though.

I can be stubborn and difficult to deal with at times, I tend to have strong opinions and I have trouble changing them. I can act selfishly, especially if I’m having a bad day. But overall I’m a very caring and very loyal person. Knowing that someone I care about is suffering can physically pain me at times, even more so when I don’t know how to help, or can’t help because of distance. I love to talk. I didn’t start talking until I was two and I’ve never really shut up since. But I also like to listen. You can learn so much about a person from listening to them and I like learning about people. The more you know about them, the better you can understand them. And I like it when I understand people.

I think about things far too much. I also think about far too many things. And I feel things too much. When I’m happy, I’m overjoyed. When I’m stressed, it consumes me. When I’m upset or sad I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. When I’m angry, I’m furious. I can’t regulate my emotions very well, which used to get me in trouble in school a lot. I was the kid who was constantly in and out of the principal’s office yet somehow ended up one of the favourite students of half the teachers I had.

 I’ve always been very comfortable with who I am, I like me and I’m not going to change for anyone. But I find it incredibly difficult to understand why other people like me. I don’t really know why. But I truly struggle to believe that other people genuinely like me, and aren’t just pretending to like me. I’m always waiting for my friends to turn around and stab me in the back. And it’s happened, more than once. So I guess it’s a fear that’s at least partly justified.

The internet, for me, is a place where I can be 100% me. Or, at least, that’s what I want it to be. I’m working on that. I feel like I’m hiding a lot, in my everyday life. Very few people know that I have aspergers and my mom’s the only person who knows that I’m gay. My brother knows as well now! Though he actually already knew. He’s a smart kid. He’s known for longer than I have. As in, like, a good six months before I even started questioning. But anyway, I’m essentially double-closeted. Which is a huge burden. I feel like I’m hiding all the time. And the internet, and tumblr in particular, feel like a safe place where maybe I can truly be me. I need somewhere like that. It’s scary, being me, not hiding, which is why I’m not quite there yet. But I’m working on it. Making this page is another step in that direction for me.

I want to have the confidence to be me. I want to stop feeling like people secretly hate me. And maybe, if I’m me here, and people don’t hate me, maybe that’ll help me believe that my real life friends don’t secretly hate me. I don’t know. It sounds stupid when you put it like that, I guess. But it’s worth a try, right?

If you’re still reading then wow. Thanks! I didn’t mean for this to get so long, my tendency to ramble got the better of me. But if there’s anything here that I haven’t covered and that you’d like to know, feel free to drop a note in my ask box. Or if there’s anything else you want to say to me. Like I said, I do actually enjoy talking to people!